Gearing up for Halloween...

When the kitty tries to blend in with the Halloween things so she can steal candy.

 

You shouldn't watch scary movies with us....

Seriously, you don't want to watch scary movies with me and the mister.  we'll ruin your experience. We don't mean too, it just happens, especially if it's one on Syfy. 

(Mister flipping thru the channels on TV while I'm checking my email on the couch next to him. He stops on the Syfy channel to a movie called "transmanian  devils" I think.  Starts off with a helicopter of younger guys who are base jumpers headed to some mountain/cliff area)

Me: I want the douchebag in the middle, he's a smooth talker...
Mister: *looks at me and laughs*
(in the movie they're on top of this jump area and the douche I mentioned previously is scared to jump and everyone gives him shit, so he pretends he's not gonna jump and then leaps off like barney badass. He falls thru a bunch of trees instead of the land point and impales himself on a huge spike in the ground)
Me: See what happens when you're a douchebag? Let that be a lesson to you... You end up leaking blood everywhere that'll bring the evil monsters from hell out after your friends. Why does he keep hitting that spike in him?  You'd think it'd make it worse.
Mister: Yeah, he shouldn't be able to move his legs at all. 
Me: Oh yeah, because that should of impaled his spine.  Well maybe he has scoliosis and the spike missed his spine entirely?
(cue the side glances and laughing and the turning of the channel)

Seriously tho', Syfy movies are so horrible sometimes that they're actually awesome, but it's not where I'm going to go to get scared. 

 

Conversations with the Mister.....

So my mister comes out of his man cave and plops down on the couch next to me where I'm checking my email.  He gives me a dirty look, I return a look to him and this goes on for a couple mins.

Me: *gives a mean mug face*  YOU'RENOTMYFRIEND!
Mister: what?
Me: you're not my friend.
Mister: oh, I thought you said Jesus was your friend.
Me: Jesus doesn't talk with me much anymore.
Mister: only on Wednesdays when he cuts the grass?

We both stared at each other for about 30 seconds before we busted out laughing.  My Mister is mostly a quiet guy, ask anyone.  But now and then out of the blue he'll just say something that makes up for all the quiet.  And honestly, one of the guys who does our yard work is probably named Jesus.  WHAT?!?! I didn't name him.

And before you can say it...SHUT UP!  We're not racist.  I hate everyone equally.

Yes, this is real life.....

Sometimes I really wish that I made this stuff up just for your entertainment.  But its all real.  My stories, photos and text messages are all 100% unrehearsed real deal.  I sometimes feel like my life is the love child of June Clever and the cast of Jackass. I'm not complaining tho'.  Makes for a spontaneous life and is obviously entertaining to you.  Just makes me a little sad that some of you think I script this stuff out for you.
Anywho.... this is a text message I got from the mister while he was out in the field.  He obviously likes to keep me on my toes, yet sadly I'm not surprised by his shenanigans.  I wonder if this is how the wives of rock stars feel?

Well, it was a good run.....

Me: How many years have we been married this year?
Mister: I don't know.
Me: Really? Or are you just too lazy to do the math?
Mister: *looks at me and shrugs* Both.
Me: 16 years.
Mister: Whoa! Really?!?!
Me: Yup, got married in '98.
Mister: Did we really got married in '98?!
Me: Are you kidding me?!?!

If it wasn't for the fact that he makes good blueberry pancakes and will kill the bugs I cant, he probably would of been smothered with a pillow 8yrs ago.  *laughs*

Move over Betty Crocker...here comes Bettie Rocker.

So I've been experimenting with a cookie recipe that involves rum.  I made the recipe that I found on the interwebs, but I didn't care for it.  It was too flour-y. Felt like I was eating a biscuit, not a cookie.  So I decided that I was going to play with it and make it more of a cookie-cookie.  So last night about 8:30pm I figured was the best time to make them.  *laughs*
So I'm in the kitchen making up my dough. I taste it to see how "rummy" it is.  I put a little on a spoon and walk it to the back of the house where the mister is "working" in his office.

Me: Taste this. Is that enough rum? Or do I need to add some more?
Mister: *gives me a skeptical look but tastes it* Needs more rum.
Me: You sure?
Mister: Yes.
So I walk back to the kitchen and throw another shot and some into the dough.
Me: OK, now what do you think? Give it a minute to hit your pallet before you decide.
Mister: *opens his mouth like a baby bird waiting for the spoon*
(this is where I was silently wishing I had google glasses)
Mister: I think thats good.  It tastes good.
Me: I can add more, but I don't want the rum to over power it.
Mister: yeah you're right I guess.
Me: I think the problem is that we don't have a taster here who isn't a shot of rum away from being a pirate them self.
(This is the part where I turned to walk out the door and go down the hall  and promptly walked right into a wall.  I think it was more from the glass of rum I was drinking while making cookie dough, then tasting the rum spiked cookie dough. Regardless,  cooking with rum is not for the weak.)

I've decided to add the cookie recipe for all you pirates at heart if you scroll to the bottom of this blog.
(and yes...this is a real sign that hangs in my kitchen.  ARRRRG! BOOTY!!)

 

Sailor Jerry Spiked Bacon & Chocolate Chip Cookies

 

Pre heat oven to 375 degrees.

Ingredients:

2 1/4 cups all purpose flour

1teaspoon baking soda

1teaspoon salt (if using real salty bacon and salted butter you might want to skip the 1t salt)

1 cup (2 sticks) butter, softened

1/2 cup sugar

3/4c brown sugar

2 large eggs

1 cup dark chocolate or semi sweet chocolate chips

6 strips cooked bacon, crumbled

2 shots (3 1/2 tablespoons) Sailor Jerry Rum (you can add or take away depending on your taste)

 

In a bowl mix the flour, baking soda and salt together.

In mixer beat butter and sugar together.

Add eggs, one at a time.

Add rum.

Slowly add in flour mixture until everything is mixed well together.

For bigger chunks of bacon in your cookie, fold in the chocolate chips and baon with a spatula.  For smaller pieces of bacon, mix them in with the mixer.

Bake 7-10 minutes on a parchment lined baking sheet. (My army issued POS oven gave me super soft cookies at 8 mins. use your judgement due to how your oven heats)

Let cookies cool slightly before transferring to a cooling rack.

Keep in a tightly sealed container. Since they do have bacon in them, they should be eaten within 3-4 days just to stay on the safe side.

On the road....

So my mister took a road trip cross country with the motorcycle.  He started to head back today and called me when he stopped along the way to let me know where he was at.

Mister: I'm in the hills of Virginia stopping for lunch.
Me: Isn't that where deliverance is?
Mister: Huh?
Me: You know, the corner of "bum fuck nowhere" and "You have a purty mouth"?
Mister: OH YEAH!  And its where all your "wrong turn" movies are too.
Me: Let me know where you stop next. Be careful, have a good lunch and keep those ass cheeks clenched tight.
Mister: uh...ok.  I don't plan to stop firing until I'm out of bullets.

A while later he sent me this photo to show me he was out of inbred banjo land.
If I had any photo shop skills I'd have put a inbred hillbilly peeking out of the trees.  *laughs*

Skipped a step

Mister walks into the living room where I'm checking my email.
Mister: what you doing?
Me: Nothing.  What'cha up to?
Mister: 6 foot.
Me: What?
Mister: 6 foot.
Me: THAT'S A GRANDPA JOKE!!!!
Mister: *smiles*
Me: We don't even have any children!

Right to the point....

Last night we were in the kitchen preparing dinner while I was telling him all about my visit to the gyno.  Which what guy doesn't want to hear about that?!?  But when you're a stay at home housewife and he wants to know how your day went, you work with what you got.  Anyways, I'm talking and I feel a "pinch" on my side and I rub at it which, in turn made it feel itchy.

Me: *scratching, I turn sideways lifting my shirt* Do I have anything there?
Mister: *looks* Yeah, a tattoo....

Cant get anything past this guy.

Keeping the spark in the bedroom alive

Surprise your partner at work with sexy text messages....
Works every time.

Just call me Devil Anse...

The following conversation took place last night before bed:

Me: I've been thinking of buying a new bedding set.
Him: What?
Me: Ya know, bedding.  A matching set.
Him: *blank stare*
Me: A BED IN A BAG!  YA KNOW A SET!! SHEETS, COMFORTER....THE WHOLE DEAL.
Him: oh... why?
Me: Bored with the same old black and red. Do you think we can do that with out starting world war III?
Him: What'cha mean?
Me: Well, right now we have two halves of different sets on there. This would be only one set of sheets we have to share.
Him: We do share now.
Me: No, we don't.  Right now we have a fitted sheet and 2 different comforters on there.  One because you like to wrap yourself up like a burrito and I sleep on a pile of pillows and half wrap myself in the blankets.
Him: *thinking*
Me: Its like the Hatfields & McCoys at bedtime.  Don't cross the property line Randolph!
Him: *shoots me a look*
Me: You're just mad because you're a McCoy in this fued.

Weighing in on the new diet...

So the Mister declared this house to be a "Paleo" house.  (Those who don't know what the Paleo diet is, its basically non-processed meat, veggies, fruit and some nuts. THATS IT! Boring... I dig my cheese, carbs and candy.) I've been half assing the diet when he's not around, but its not hard for me to get snarky around meal times. Especially when it comes to me not being able to eat what I'm actually craving. Like last night.  I took it out on his veggies.

In the kitchen. I'm eating a wedge of a granny smith while he roots around in the fridge to figure out what he's going to eat as a side to what we're grilling.
Me: So did you figure it out?
Him: *looking a little longer, like he's praying a beer flavored veggie appears in there* Yeah. *pulls out a cucumber*
Me: *casually looks over while still nibbling my apple slices* Are you sure you want to eat *that* one?!
Him: uh, yeah...*looks at cucumber and then me* WAIT! what did you do to it?!?!
Me: *grins* nuttin.....
Him: Christ....
This is where I start laughing so hard I have to put the apple down and he realizes that I'm only fucking with him.  Or at least he's praying I am.

Fast forward to the cucumber already cut up and in a bowl. He then proceeds to cut up an onion and tosses that in the bowl too along with a handful of cherry tomatoes.
Me:*looks in the bowl*
Him: *looking at me*
Me: Do you know what would go great with that salad?
Him: What?
Me: lettuce...
Him: *puts me in a half ass choke hold and smacks me on the ass*
(Those that don't know... he hates lettuce.  He calls it filler.  He always eliminates it from anything he's making. Like his BLTs are just BTs.  Tho' he doesn't want to look fussy in resturants and just deals with it.)

So now you know the story of how I almost didn't survive day 4 of the Paleo diet.

Conversations with the mister.....

Watching a scary movie with the mister after dinner. Guy in movie tells his wife to ignore the ghost, they'll go away.
Me: wonder if that works on husbands?
Him: *picks up phone* Siri find me an apartment.
Me: *grabs phone* Siri where is a good place to bury a body?
Him: *shoots me dirty look*
Siri: very funny
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Getting ready for bed...
Me: *crawling into bed* grrr grunt snarl rawr
Him: *looks at me like I'm crazy*
Me: that's "I love you" in zombie
Him: is it?
Me: yeah, I told myself I was gonna learn a new language this year, and since all the GMOs are probably going to turn us into zombies I figured it would come in handy.
Him: *looks at me over his kindle trying not to smile*

He knows I'm hilarious.

 

 

My black thumb and I should of stopped at plants...

Remember when you were little and you begged your mum and dad for that "oh so cute" cat or dog?  Then they responded with "You have to feed it and walk it and clean up after it every day or it'll go to the farm"?  well, same thing applies to spouses. It seems like a fun idea at the time, but it's a lot of work making sure they keep breathing.  Forget to feed them twice and you come home to this...
(yes. that's him sleeping face down into the couch like an exhausted cat would)

I should probably follow the cat's cue.....

You know how they say that animals have that natural instinct that something bad is going to happen? You know, like when they run for the hills because they know some disaster is about to descend upon the earth?  well my cat ran from the kitchen about half an hour ago and is currently hiding on the other side of the house. 
My mister has decided he's going to learn to home brew.  He has currently taken over my kitchen and attempting to make an oatmeal stout.  Or something fancy like that.  The kitchen is taken up with huge pots, buckets, tubing, strange powders and other questionable things.  I cant help but have flashing scenes of breaking bad running by in my head.  If I had a yellow chemical suit and respirator I'd run into the kitchen screaming "Jesse Pinkman reporting for duty!" But like I said, I should probably listen to the cat.  Besides, if my kitchen is being over ran I can't cook dinner.  So win for me.

You wanted it.....

So I was requested to make a blog because "I'm funny, but I'm also real".   After much debate I figure what the hell, right?  I mean at the very least I'll have documented proof that I can use against my mister.  Anywho... be careful what you ask for because you just might get it. 


Last night. Bedroom. Getting ready for bed, mister looking for his PTs....

Me: if you're looking for your PTs, they're in the dryer.  I didn't get around to folding them.
Him: WHY NOT?!
Me: hey! I didn't even have to wash them you know...
Him: yes you did, its your job.
Me: I'd be careful of how you treat your help.  otherwise they'll spit in your food.
Him: "looks at me"
Me: hey! you should of seen what I've done with your toothbrush