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Showing posts with label funny. Show all posts
Showing posts with label funny. Show all posts

Saturday, December 13, 2014

Bats in the belfrey.....

So my friend Rita had a bat in her house.  Now with it being winter time in Michigan a lot of God's creatures are all seeking shelter inside where its warm and dry.  Some how this little dude slipped inside her house.  When she FaceBooked about it and getting it out of her house everyone basically had the same reaction of "omg! eww!!" except for Marigold.  Our little back and forth made me laugh so hard I had to blog it.
 

Thursday, October 30, 2014

Gearing up for Halloween...

When the kitty tries to blend in with the Halloween things so she can steal candy.
 

Saturday, October 25, 2014

The real scary....

It's true that when you're an adult you can do what ever you want, but that doesn't mean you should.  Enjoy your dietary carnage when you're young while you can kids. Case in point....

 

Sunday, October 19, 2014

H-O-M-E

I often giggle at some of the random things my friends and family from back home text, email and facebook to me.  I miss the mitten a lot.
 

Saturday, October 4, 2014

You shouldn't watch scary movies with us....

Seriously, you don't want to watch scary movies with me and the mister.  we'll ruin your experience. We don't mean too, it just happens, especially if it's one on Syfy. 

(Mister flipping thru the channels on TV while I'm checking my email on the couch next to him. He stops on the Syfy channel to a movie called "transmanian  devils" I think.  Starts off with a helicopter of younger guys who are base jumpers headed to some mountain/cliff area)

Me: I want the douchebag in the middle, he's a smooth talker...
Mister: *looks at me and laughs*
(in the movie they're on top of this jump area and the douche I mentioned previously is scared to jump and everyone gives him shit, so he pretends he's not gonna jump and then leaps off like barney badass. He falls thru a bunch of trees instead of the land point and impales himself on a huge spike in the ground)
Me: See what happens when you're a douchebag? Let that be a lesson to you... You end up leaking blood everywhere that'll bring the evil monsters from hell out after your friends. Why does he keep hitting that spike in him?  You'd think it'd make it worse.
Mister: Yeah, he shouldn't be able to move his legs at all. 
Me: Oh yeah, because that should of impaled his spine.  Well maybe he has scoliosis and the spike missed his spine entirely?
(cue the side glances and laughing and the turning of the channel)

Seriously tho', Syfy movies are so horrible sometimes that they're actually awesome, but it's not where I'm going to go to get scared. 
 

Saturday, September 27, 2014

Conversations with the Mister.....

So my mister comes out of his man cave and plops down on the couch next to me where I'm checking my email.  He gives me a dirty look, I return a look to him and this goes on for a couple mins.

Me: *gives a mean mug face*  YOU'RENOTMYFRIEND!
Mister: what?
Me: you're not my friend.
Mister: oh, I thought you said Jesus was your friend.
Me: Jesus doesn't talk with me much anymore.
Mister: only on Wednesdays when he cuts the grass?

We both stared at each other for about 30 seconds before we busted out laughing.  My Mister is mostly a quiet guy, ask anyone.  But now and then out of the blue he'll just say something that makes up for all the quiet.  And honestly, one of the guys who does our yard work is probably named Jesus.  WHAT?!?! I didn't name him.

And before you can say it...SHUT UP!  We're not racist.  I hate everyone equally.

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Sorry, we were experiencing technical difficulties....

So my lap top decided to take a huge shit and quit working. Well my uber nice mister got me a new lap top.  It was delivered yesterday.  I'm in the process of installing all my stuff and getting it up to working order again.  So I'll be back soon, but until then to hold you over....
 

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Da'Nile is more then just a river in Egypt.....

Now let me start by saying that I take snacking as serious as the next person does.  I mean I even have a Cookie Monster snack sphere for my skittles! If that isn't snack dedication, I don't know what is. *laughs* Now, I think this boils down to a case of "po-tay-toe" vs. "po-tah-toe", but hey what ever you have to do to get thru the day. Right?
So now I ask you...What is your favorite snack?
 

Sunday, September 7, 2014

SUNDAY FUNDAY

If your friends don't have a witty sense of humor....
If your friends cant keep you on your toes....
If you and your friends cant side glance each other and smirk because you're both thinking the same thing...
well, then you should probably set them on fire.
I however, can lose the matches because my friends are the funniest bunch of bitches you could ask for. <3

 

Saturday, September 6, 2014

Best weather app ever, hands down.....

I'm not sure if its available for all phones, but if you have an iphone check out the "grumpy weather" app.  Its free. Its a very basic weather app, but its hilarious especially if you hate the weather where you live.  Theres a handful of icons you can use too.  Anywho, I just thought I'd share with you.

 

Friday, September 5, 2014

Letting the iphone take the wheel.....

Ricardo and I were having a conversation about how the iphones think they're god with their autocorrect option.  Tho' it has come in handy for us all, it as also been a kick to the ass too.  Sometimes iphone just needs to trust us, that what we typed us exactly what we wanted.
He sent me a text message with this screen capture last night.  He was trying to save the web address for this blog as a "sticky note".  if you cant read what is written on the photo, he was writing "dathousewife" and his phone was suggesting to change it to "fat housewife". this is just a small part of the conversation, which honestly I wasn't offended at all.  In fact I thought it was down right hilarious.
Sometimes you just have to laugh at life.  And probably listen to your phone when it tells you to maybe join a gym.  lol

Thursday, September 4, 2014

We're the same and we're different....

"A great relationship is about 2 things: first, appreciating the similarities, and second, respecting the differences"

I love all my friends dearly.  I've met them all based on common interests, mutual friends or by pure accident.  Mostly its the first 2 of those 3.  Now its great to be alike in some ways, but what I really dig are the opposites.  You make me see a different view and think with those opposing opinions and ideas.  I love that. 
Now, I want to introduce you to my friend Oscar. I refer to him as my "conservative friend". He takes offense to that phrase, but I think because he thinks it makes him uncool.  Which couldn't be further from the truth. I just mean that him and I are set up on the opposite ends of the spectrum for the most part with some meeting points in the middle. Opposites attract sometimes and its all good. Anywho Oscar and I were having a discussion on facebook last night about girls and such.  I was telling him that girls could be broke down into 2 categories.  His response made me laugh so hard. 

Tuesday, September 2, 2014

With age comes wisdom....

Me: I'm 37 years old.  I'm not playing any more of those teenage games damnit.
Jaxx: Right?
Me: I'm too old for that bullshit.
Jaxx: It's not their fault... a penis is a cancer to their soul.


Advice to the men of the world.....
those teenage girls that you were able to pull all that bullshit over and think you could do whatever you wanted and get away with.... Yeah, they grow up and don't even bother with your shit.  So knock it off, its not cute anymore.


Eminem aint got shit on us.....

So I was texting with my friend from back home.  He was discussing about how he wants to meet a foreign chick. I mentioned that the certain group of chicks he'd like to meet are all about my instagram. This lead into quite a conversation where he summed up "America" perfectly.  I threatened to blog this and even my mister thought it was funny.  I think mostly because it takes my blog attention off of him for a minute. 

Friday, August 29, 2014

Yes, this is real life.....

Sometimes I really wish that I made this stuff up just for your entertainment.  But its all real.  My stories, photos and text messages are all 100% unrehearsed real deal.  I sometimes feel like my life is the love child of June Clever and the cast of Jackass. I'm not complaining tho'.  Makes for a spontaneous life and is obviously entertaining to you.  Just makes me a little sad that some of you think I script this stuff out for you.
Anywho.... this is a text message I got from the mister while he was out in the field.  He obviously likes to keep me on my toes, yet sadly I'm not surprised by his shenanigans.  I wonder if this is how the wives of rock stars feel?

Saturday, July 12, 2014

Well, it was a good run.....

Me: How many years have we been married this year?
Mister: I don't know.
Me: Really? Or are you just too lazy to do the math?
Mister: *looks at me and shrugs* Both.
Me: 16 years.
Mister: Whoa! Really?!?!
Me: Yup, got married in '98.
Mister: Did we really got married in '98?!
Me: Are you kidding me?!?!

If it wasn't for the fact that he makes good blueberry pancakes and will kill the bugs I cant, he probably would of been smothered with a pillow 8yrs ago.  *laughs*

Saturday, June 28, 2014

Move over Betty Crocker...here comes Bettie Rocker.

So I've been experimenting with a cookie recipe that involves rum.  I made the recipe that I found on the interwebs, but I didn't care for it.  It was too flour-y. Felt like I was eating a biscuit, not a cookie.  So I decided that I was going to play with it and make it more of a cookie-cookie.  So last night about 8:30pm I figured was the best time to make them.  *laughs*
So I'm in the kitchen making up my dough. I taste it to see how "rummy" it is.  I put a little on a spoon and walk it to the back of the house where the mister is "working" in his office.

Me: Taste this. Is that enough rum? Or do I need to add some more?
Mister: *gives me a skeptical look but tastes it* Needs more rum.
Me: You sure?
Mister: Yes.
So I walk back to the kitchen and throw another shot and some into the dough.
Me: OK, now what do you think? Give it a minute to hit your pallet before you decide.
Mister: *opens his mouth like a baby bird waiting for the spoon*
(this is where I was silently wishing I had google glasses)
Mister: I think thats good.  It tastes good.
Me: I can add more, but I don't want the rum to over power it.
Mister: yeah you're right I guess.
Me: I think the problem is that we don't have a taster here who isn't a shot of rum away from being a pirate them self.
(This is the part where I turned to walk out the door and go down the hall  and promptly walked right into a wall.  I think it was more from the glass of rum I was drinking while making cookie dough, then tasting the rum spiked cookie dough. Regardless,  cooking with rum is not for the weak.)

I've decided to add the cookie recipe for all you pirates at heart if you scroll to the bottom of this blog.
(and yes...this is a real sign that hangs in my kitchen.  ARRRRG! BOOTY!!)
 
Sailor Jerry Spiked Bacon & Chocolate Chip Cookies
 
Pre heat oven to 375 degrees.
Ingredients:
2 1/4 cups all purpose flour
1teaspoon baking soda
1teaspoon salt (if using real salty bacon and salted butter you might want to skip the 1t salt)
1 cup (2 sticks) butter, softened
1/2 cup sugar
3/4c brown sugar
2 large eggs
1 cup dark chocolate or semi sweet chocolate chips
6 strips cooked bacon, crumbled
2 shots (3 1/2 tablespoons) Sailor Jerry Rum (you can add or take away depending on your taste)
 
In a bowl mix the flour, baking soda and salt together.
In mixer beat butter and sugar together.
Add eggs, one at a time.
Add rum.
Slowly add in flour mixture until everything is mixed well together.
For bigger chunks of bacon in your cookie, fold in the chocolate chips and baon with a spatula.  For smaller pieces of bacon, mix them in with the mixer.
Bake 7-10 minutes on a parchment lined baking sheet. (My army issued POS oven gave me super soft cookies at 8 mins. use your judgement due to how your oven heats)
Let cookies cool slightly before transferring to a cooling rack.
Keep in a tightly sealed container. Since they do have bacon in them, they should be eaten within 3-4 days just to stay on the safe side.

Sunday, June 22, 2014

On the road....

So my mister took a road trip cross country with the motorcycle.  He started to head back today and called me when he stopped along the way to let me know where he was at.

Mister: I'm in the hills of Virginia stopping for lunch.
Me: Isn't that where deliverance is?
Mister: Huh?
Me: You know, the corner of "bum fuck nowhere" and "You have a purty mouth"?
Mister: OH YEAH!  And its where all your "wrong turn" movies are too.
Me: Let me know where you stop next. Be careful, have a good lunch and keep those ass cheeks clenched tight.
Mister: uh...ok.  I don't plan to stop firing until I'm out of bullets.

A while later he sent me this photo to show me he was out of inbred banjo land.
If I had any photo shop skills I'd have put a inbred hillbilly peeking out of the trees.  *laughs*

Friday, June 13, 2014

Skipped a step

Mister walks into the living room where I'm checking my email.
Mister: what you doing?
Me: Nothing.  What'cha up to?
Mister: 6 foot.
Me: What?
Mister: 6 foot.
Me: THAT'S A GRANDPA JOKE!!!!
Mister: *smiles*
Me: We don't even have any children!

Saturday, May 31, 2014

Right to the point....

Last night we were in the kitchen preparing dinner while I was telling him all about my visit to the gyno.  Which what guy doesn't want to hear about that?!?  But when you're a stay at home housewife and he wants to know how your day went, you work with what you got.  Anyways, I'm talking and I feel a "pinch" on my side and I rub at it which, in turn made it feel itchy.

Me: *scratching, I turn sideways lifting my shirt* Do I have anything there?
Mister: *looks* Yeah, a tattoo....

Cant get anything past this guy.