Conversations with the mister.....

Watching a scary movie with the mister after dinner. Guy in movie tells his wife to ignore the ghost, they'll go away.
Me: wonder if that works on husbands?
Him: *picks up phone* Siri find me an apartment.
Me: *grabs phone* Siri where is a good place to bury a body?
Him: *shoots me dirty look*
Siri: very funny
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Getting ready for bed...
Me: *crawling into bed* grrr grunt snarl rawr
Him: *looks at me like I'm crazy*
Me: that's "I love you" in zombie
Him: is it?
Me: yeah, I told myself I was gonna learn a new language this year, and since all the GMOs are probably going to turn us into zombies I figured it would come in handy.
Him: *looks at me over his kindle trying not to smile*

He knows I'm hilarious.

 

 

Dodging the Zombie bullet....

I get home from California and unload the car. Throw laundry in washer, order take out and start going thru the junk mail piled up for me. Basically if it's not a bill or a personal envelope I'll just tear it in half and toss it.
Me: tearing up junk mail.... Last piece of mail explodes and I'm covered in goo.
"Omgz my mail splooged on me! Am I SARS positive now?!?!"
Upon closer inspection, I tore mail that had a hair conditioner sample in it. least my arm smells good for when take out gets delivered and I'm not going to turn into a zombie. Bonus to it not being the zombie, I found something that grossed the mister out.

 

My black thumb and I should of stopped at plants...

Remember when you were little and you begged your mum and dad for that "oh so cute" cat or dog?  Then they responded with "You have to feed it and walk it and clean up after it every day or it'll go to the farm"?  well, same thing applies to spouses. It seems like a fun idea at the time, but it's a lot of work making sure they keep breathing.  Forget to feed them twice and you come home to this...
(yes. that's him sleeping face down into the couch like an exhausted cat would)

I should probably follow the cat's cue.....

You know how they say that animals have that natural instinct that something bad is going to happen? You know, like when they run for the hills because they know some disaster is about to descend upon the earth?  well my cat ran from the kitchen about half an hour ago and is currently hiding on the other side of the house. 
My mister has decided he's going to learn to home brew.  He has currently taken over my kitchen and attempting to make an oatmeal stout.  Or something fancy like that.  The kitchen is taken up with huge pots, buckets, tubing, strange powders and other questionable things.  I cant help but have flashing scenes of breaking bad running by in my head.  If I had a yellow chemical suit and respirator I'd run into the kitchen screaming "Jesse Pinkman reporting for duty!" But like I said, I should probably listen to the cat.  Besides, if my kitchen is being over ran I can't cook dinner.  So win for me.

You wanted it.....

So I was requested to make a blog because "I'm funny, but I'm also real".   After much debate I figure what the hell, right?  I mean at the very least I'll have documented proof that I can use against my mister.  Anywho... be careful what you ask for because you just might get it. 


Last night. Bedroom. Getting ready for bed, mister looking for his PTs....

Me: if you're looking for your PTs, they're in the dryer.  I didn't get around to folding them.
Him: WHY NOT?!
Me: hey! I didn't even have to wash them you know...
Him: yes you did, its your job.
Me: I'd be careful of how you treat your help.  otherwise they'll spit in your food.
Him: "looks at me"
Me: hey! you should of seen what I've done with your toothbrush